JOKES Page One

Who goes there damn your eyes!!

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  • The Humor of the Flashman Papers and other tastless Jokes.....


    Humor in the Flashman papers generally runs to
    'Drinking Gambling and Whoring'
    with a healthy mix of derogatory and disparaging remarks
    aimed at betters and those in authority!"


    Please note jokes are for open minded adults only!



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    JOKES Page One

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
    A: A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied- a redhead
    let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

    Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you...wanna marry?"
    Blonde after sex: "Next!"
    Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."

    Q: What's the diff between a blonde whore and a redhead whore?
    A: After the blonde you put antibiotics on your dick;
    After the redhead you put antibiotics on the bitemarks on your shoulders.

    Female mating calls:
    Blonde: "I'm soooo drunk"
    Ugly blonde: "I said..I'm ..."
    Brunette: "All the blondes are gone!"
    Redhead: "Next!"

    Q. What do you call a virgin on a raft?
    A. A cherry float.

    Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
    A. Beat it - we're closed.

    Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
    A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.


    Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful
    blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"
    Second sailor replies that he has. They walk on further and see an even
    more beautiful brunette.
    First Sailor" Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
    Second Sailor" Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions"
    They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the
    other two girls for dead.
    First Sailor" Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"
    His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!"




    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
    That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."



    A policeman pulls a guy over for speeding and asks, "Sir,did you know you were speeding?"
    "Yeah, I know,"answered the guy. "I'm late for a meeting so i have to speed to make up for the time."
    "Well i still have to give you a ticket,"said the policeman.
    "I know," replied the man. "When you're writing the ticket you might as well write me another one cause as soon as you let me go i'm gonna go twice as fast to make up for the time I lost getting this ticket."



    An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.
    Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?" The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he'd better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.
    The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both passed out and fell to the ground in exhaustion.
    Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wildly passionate couple when you were young."
    "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."



    This guy comes walking into a crowded bar with a crocodile on a leash, everyone backs off scared.
    The Man says, "not to worry folks! this is a very friendly crocodile, very sweet natured, won't hurt a fly! "
    The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer, everyone still very scared and staying away as far as possible from the croco.
    The man says, "really people, there's no reason to be scared, look, I'll show you."
    He unzippes his fly, gets his dick out, opens the mouth of the crocodile, puts his dick in, closes the mouth again and hits the crocodile
    a few times hard on the top of his head with his fist.
    "See?" he says, "nothing happened. Is there perhaps anyone else that would like to try it?"
    A blonde lady at the end of the bar stands up and says, "Yes sir, I would like to try it but you have to promise me not to hit me on the head as you did with that poor crocodile!"



    Two west texas cowboys were broke and were looking for a way to make some money.
    One suggests to the other that one of them dress up like a woman and work as a prostitute.
    So they go to a store and buy a dress, a wig, a bra, e.t.c., and then they go to the butcher to buy a pound of liver. One of the cowboys dresses up like a woman and places the pound of liver between his legs.
    They then rent a room and the 'lady' is ready. The other cowboy gets 3 men and lines them up.
    The first man goes in and comes out 15 minutes later saying that it was the best he ever had.
    So the cowboy says, "Hey, are you ready for number 2?"
    "Yes," the 'lady' says, "send number 2 in."
    Number 2 goes in the room and comes out 15 minutes later with a smile saying it was great.
    Now, the cowboy says, "hey, ready for number 3?" no answer.
    "Hey, in there ready for number 3?"
    "no!" The 'lady' says. "Don't send number 3 in. number 2 ate the liver."



    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
    "What does that tell you?" says Holmes.
    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."



    Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
    The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
    His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."



    Noah's ARK
    When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
    "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
    After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
    This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you ? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only
    after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
    "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!"



    An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist replied,"That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".



    A director in an insane asylum, as a reward for good behaviour, decides to bring some of the inmates to a baseball game. When he gets to their seats he says, "Sit nuts." So the inmates sit down. Later, a good play is made, and the director says, "clap nuts." So the inmates stand up and clap just like normal fans. Later, the director is feeling hungry, and since the inmates were behaving he decided to leave to get a hot dog. When he returns sees a riot going on. He asks a spectator what happened. The spectator replies, "all was going well until someone came by yelling, 'peanuts!'"



    Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, 'We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.' The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. 'A fork? asks the chief?' But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, 'I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!'



    Mine shaft - what a German calls his penis

    One guy says to the other, "You know ... I'm really getting worried. I went to a travel agent for a ticket to Pittsburgh and, while staring at her chest, asked for 'two pickets to TITS-burgh.' "

    His friend says, "Don't worry; that's just a Freudian slip and they happen to everybody. Why, just the other day at breakfast, I meant to ask my wife to pass the toast and said [pause], "You f**king bitch! You ruined my life!"


    Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    A. No idea


    Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

    A. Still no idea


    Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no c**k?

    A. Still no f**king idea



    A visitor to Australia has a car accident and is taken to hospital unconscious. The next day he comes to and asks "Did I come here to die?" A doctor replies "Naw mate, ya came here yesterday!"


    Three men an American, an Irish and a polish man were all sentenced for their part in the assassination of the Prime-minister. Their sentence was to be locked in a big room for twenty years, but they could take one thing in with them. So the guard asked the American and he said "I'll take my wife, so at least I can have fun" so the guards brought his wife in and locked in the room. Then the guard asked the Irishman and he said "I need liquor" so he was locked away with 20 years worth of alcohol. Then the polish guy says "I know what I want I want 20 years worth of cigarettes" so he too got what he wanted and was locked up. 20 years later.... The guards opens the Americans door and out comes him, his wife and a three kids and they're all smiles. Next they opens the Irishman's door and he's sitting their laughing his ass off and invites the guard in for a drink. (he has no clue what day it is) next is the Polish man. They open the door and he says "anyone got a light?".


    Car Trouble

    WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
    HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
    WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
    HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it
    out. Where's the car?"
    WIFE: "In the pool."


    Noisy One
    You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives,
    friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some
    clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to
    emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment
    of release, try the following sound effects:
    1. Flush the toilet
    2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
    3. Drop a handful of coins on the floor


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