The Humor of the Flashman Papers and other tastless Jokes.....
Humor in the Flashman papers generally runs to
'Drinking Gambling and Whoring'
with a healthy mix of derogatory and disparaging remarks
aimed at betters and those in authority!"
Please note jokes are for open minded adults only!
Flashman's Scale of Drunkenness
12 Day's of Flashy Christmas
Email Flashman jokes, Limericks, quotes etc to me.
JOKES Page Two
Harry Flashman was captured by the Indians. The chief tied him to a stake and said that he may have one request. Flashman thinking quickly, least his bowels give away his fear he said that he wanted to talk to his horse one last time. The chief agreed. Old Flash whispered something into the horse's ear. The horse ran off and came back with a naked woman on his back.
"Ahhh, very good choice!" said the chief. "You can use my teepee for the night, we kill you in the morning."
Day came and Flashly was tied up again. He asked the chief for one more request. Once again, the chief agreed. Harry whispered something into his horse's ear again. The house galloped away and came back with two naked women on his back.
"Very good!" said the chief, "One for me and one for you! Okay, we kill you in the morning!"
Night went by and Harry was tied at the stake once more.
"Please, Chief! Plaese I’ll do anything just let me talk to my horse once more!"
"Okay, but no naked woman this time!"
The horse leaned in and Flashman said, "Damn your ears - I said, get me my POSSE!"
A drunk had finally had all his bladder could hold, so he asked the bartender where the men's room was.
"Right through there and turn left," said the bartender. The drunk staggered back to the loo and everyone could hear the door slam shut . But after a few minutes, a piercing scream come from the restroom. The bartender looked around nervously. Then another scream came. Some customers started paying their bill and leaving. At last, a third shriek even louder than the last shattered the silence.
The worried bartender wandered back to see what was going on.
"Just what the hell do you think you are doing?" the bartender asked. "You're frightening off all my customers."
"There's a monster in the commode", the drunk mumbled. "Every time I tried to flush it, the monster reaches out, grabs me by my balls, and squeezes them so hard I can't stand it!"
"You damn fool," the bartender replied. "You're not sitting on the toilet. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.
"Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. but, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
A very rich married man staying in Posh Villa was having sex with a nice beautiful girl in absence of his wife.
Suddenly, his servant entered in the room and found his boss having sex with another woman.
The rich man panics, and calls his servant and gives him $100 and asks him not to tell his wife about this sex act with girl.
His servant replies, "Sir, Your wife pays me $200 when she is in the same predicament….
Two old men were sitting talking together. The first old guy says, " Hey, Norm ain't we been friends for nearly fifty years?"
"Yup, I guess so." says the second old guy.
"And you know, in all that time I never really knew what kind of woman you really liked? Do you like women with real saggy tits?"
"No way," replies the second guy, "I like 'em small and firm like apples!"
"Well what about their ass, do you like that wrinkled and saggy?"
"Oh s**t no! their ass has got to be round and tight like a young boys"
"Well do you like a pussy which is big, loose and dry?" asks the first guy.
"F**k sakes, can't stand that, gotta be tight and well lubed!" answers the second old guy.
"So if all'n its true, WHY YOU F**KIN' MY WIFE?!"
A young man graduated with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from the back woods, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old hillbilly's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The hillbilly thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all had our way with it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the hillbilly said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour’s wife, a good looking woman, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all had our way with her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "Good gravy, I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old hillbilly dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
A traveller was in the mountains of China, when a storm suddenly came up. Amidst the lightning flashes and rolling thunder, he managed to spot an old house on the mountain side. He rushed to it and pounded on the door to gain admittance. The owner answered and told him he was welcome to spend the night with him. But he warned the stranger that his young daughter was still a virgin and he intended for her to stay that way until he could find her a rich Chinese husband. Under no circumstances should the stranger touch the girl, or else he would be subject to all of the dreaded Three Worst Chinese Tortures!
Well, the stranger was escorted to his bedroom, where he quickly removed his wet clothes and got under the covers. After an hour or so, the door slowly opened and someone slipped into bed with him. It was the daughter, who was not only very lovely, but also very lonely and horny. The traveller completely forgot the old man's warning and happily shagged the sexy girl in every hole she had, some holes more than once.
In the morning, the traveller woke up in bed alone. The girl was nowhere in sight, but a huge rock certainly was. The boulder was resting firmly on his chest and was so heavy the traveller could hardly breathe. A sign on the boulder read: "first worst Chinese torture, boulder on chest ."
The stranger struggled to rise to his feet and staggered to a nearby window, where he tossed out the huge rock. But then he got the rudest shock of his life, when his balls were suddenly yanked over the window sill and stretched so low they'd forever after hang clear down to his knees! Only then could he see the sign on the underside of the boulder. It read, "second worst Chinese torture, testicles firmly tied to boulder."
Now the pain in his throbbing balls was unbearable, and the traveller did the only thing he could think of. He jumped right out of the window.
But about halfway to the ground, the traveller was suddenly jerked up short, his ball-sack and nut-cords being stretched even further. Painted on the wall in front of him, he could read a final message: "third worst Chinese torture, feet tied to bed."
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in
New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and
was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less
money that week than the previous week.
The teller said "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"