Drink Required..... Brandy Quota Zero, not even a whiff of Ale.

Scale and description ..... 0 ..... Stone cold sober.

Your brain is sharp as a Khyber knife, as in one pointed at you by a grinning Ghazi on a frosty morning in the Khoord-Kabul pass.

This won't do its Christmas, so you decide it's time for some wicked amusement.

Drink Required..... At least one Brandy imbibed or a pint of Best smoothly slipped down the gullet.

Scale and Description ..... 1 .....Still Sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

Christmas is a time of celebration and good cheer you order another drink.

Drink required ..... The swelling of the stomach caused by Beers will lead a distinct feeling of hunger. Brandy will warm

your throat and stomach, The warmth will be accompanied by a keen appetite.

Scale and Description ..... 2 ..... Head warming up, all senses are activated, partially the taste buds.

Drink required ..... Time to show off you knowledge of wines, never order the most expensive but don't go for the cheapest.

Scale and Description ..... 3 .....You will find you suddenly have more friends than you realised, also you discover a wit you had previously lacked.

Drink required ..... Order whatever the current drink of choice appears to be. It is time to start some serious drinking,

no time to contemplate the alternatives.

Scale and Description ..... 4 ..... Barmaids all appear attractive. You cannot take your eyes off the cleavage on view. You will probably move around the bar with the sole purpose getting the best view of the biggest available bubbies.

While ordering hot port wine the eye full you get causes you to consider your next move, spotting a fair looking portion; a large, calm looking shickster, you contrive an introduction by ordering yet more port wine.

Drink required ..... The drink of choice can change; you will have to switch your liqueur quicker than a train with a full head of stream going through kings Cross Junction on a busy night .

Scale and Description ..... 5 ..... You believe your new found wit is now accompanied by an alluring charm which is irresistible to all women. You formulate a theory that the mystery of sexes could be solved if only all men and woman in the world got along with each other in the manner you'd like to describe to the nearest available female. She may slap your face, the conclusion being she is too stupid to understand the theory.

Drink required ..... The variation in spirits will leave you feeling unsettled. Switch back to Brandy to still the queasiness.

Scale and Description ..... 6 ..... Your speech is now a little slurred and your footsteps unsteady. The ground has a habit of moving just before you step on it. However with concentration you will be sure to master this temporary difficulty.

Wondering down Fleet Street you realise Kingsway is behind you and you have been walking the wrong way towards Blackfriars Bridge. Seeing a welcoming door down a side street you fix you gaze upon it with fresh determination and make for this newfound goal.

Drink required ..... A good whiskey, with a sharp bite and a pungent aroma will steady you. You will wonder why you hadn't started drinking whiskey before, to catch up you might order another.

Scale and Description ..... 7 ..... You are now master of your environment, you suddenly understand the concept of Superiority - you now feel stronger surer of yourself than you ever have before. You are also sure that other drinkers must surely recognise your superiority by your handsome good looks.

Drink required ..... Pangs of longing will start to take root soon, a good bottle of Champagne would be the best answer.

Scale and Description ..... 8 ..... You may feel world-weary or inexplicably remember all of your heartbreaks. You will feel very sorry for yourself.

Drink required ..... It matters little what is drunk now, but thirsts have to be satisfied - glasses can abandoned for bottles and bottles for punch bowls.

Scale and Description ..... 9 ..... Despite the amount you've drunk already this will be the time you consciously decide to make a night of it, you will start offering to buy everyone drinks.

Union seems to have been a really good idea you go around bar shaking hands, kissing hands and slapping backs. You fall over, and one of the girls dancing girls helps you up then you go around pub greeting everyone again.

Drink required ..... This is the end of one phase of the evening and the start of another, time take on board some sustenance before moving on to more vicious pleasures. Ring the changes with a 'last' short or two and cigar before leaving to search for grub.

Scale and Description ..... 10 ..... You may feel tired but you will be determined, out of misguided wisdom you will decide its is time to cut back on alcohol consumption so you order a short. A fancy for fine cigars and food will fill you along with expectation of more to came.

Going out into the street you head across the road to the 'Coal hole' and point out something on the menu, only afterwards you realise it was Herrings potted in Stout. You eat it anyway. Across the room someone is singing for his supper, he finishes a Christmas carol and starts a ballad the punters all join in:

..... ..... "See the park thronged with coaches, the nobles all run

..... ..... To view the dear angel - her ruin's just begun;

..... ..... Princes, dukes, lords and bankers are first in the train,

..... ..... In raptures they ogle, as yet but in vain;

..... ..... And see the old letcher, with rheum in his eyes,

..... ..... Scarely able to crawl, bidding high for the prize.

..... ..... Whilst rakes, bawds and panders are hunting her down,

Through all six verses the punters cheer riotously at the amorous adventure and clap their hands in approval of the tale, including when poor Sally polluted and poxed draws her last breath.

Drink required ..... Drinking at this point usually pauses long enough to expunge some of the night's excess. Brandy is recommend by most to settle a weak stomach .

Scale and Description ..... 11 ..... Some doubling of vision will occur along with standing on tables, words are slurred, most things will now be sung loudly out of tune instead of merely spoken. You may decide it is time to you tell all your friends and family that you love them regardless of the fact that may be sleeping or absent. If absent you will tell a stranger how much love your friends and family, then you tell the stranger how much you love them after which you will invariably throw up.

Drink required ..... Any kind of cool liquid. Mixed with Gin of course.

Scale and Description ..... 12 ..... There will be gaps, you will forget where you've been or have difficulty remembering where you were going. You may hope somebody recognises you to tell you who you are, before someone asks such an embarrassingly simple question.

Drink required ..... Sensibly maybe only sweet liqueurs, since you've come this far any combination would do.

Scale and Description ..... 13 ..... You pass out, when you do wake up the gentle swaying of the bed, floor, field is lulling you to sleep. Standing at this point is not practical since the laws of gratify have changed, the floor will move to maintain and angle of 0 degrees between itself and you, regardless of where the horizon, the sink and bathroom is.

You wake up in bed, you don't move at first but turning over you see that the sheets you are on are clean which you take to be a good sign. You remember getting out of the cab in Park Lane and being shocked at that peculiarity. You'd decided to play it out carefully: after all any courtesan who could afford to live in Park lane, just beyond Buckingham Place, was out of your price range! You stretch, experimenting with the extent of the pain movement still caused. You suddenly go cold. You daren't open your eyes again. You realise you must still be in the house at Park Lane, after arriving and drinking a cherry Brandy and the water from a vase of flowers you don't remember anything. Lord, you think, this is when you'll found out you can't pay. You won't see her again just her maid, her 'mama', then the bullies would come. The panic raises your heart rate so your head threatens to explode. You squeal in fear and pain as you hear the sound the door opening and tray being placed on the bedside table. You stare in horror at you wife. No, not that! That's even worse than being done over by the bullies. Who brought her here? Or did she work here? Your wife smiles back kindly. "You had a late night last night, here have some coffee, a cab brought you home at three o'clock. You'd fallen asleep at the club." She pours a cup and plops two lumps into the hot liquid. You start at the sound. "Here this will make you feel better. How did the Christmas shopping go? Did you get what you wanted?"

Notes.